Good Tuesday morning to you! I hope your week started off well. I have a rather honest and true post set up for today, so get your coffee ready and enjoy this bumpy ride…
Do you ever feel defeated? Maybe shall I say, disappointed? Maybe a bit like you are just failing at life?
Let me explain where I am coming from.
I was never that girl who knew exactly what she wanted to be when she grew up. Honestly, a princess always seemed to fit me pretty well. But, I figured a teacher sounded more realistic than a princess. So after high school, I went to a community college for Early Childhood Education. I realized that I would have to prolong my education and get my Bachelors after completing my Associates Degree, but with Early Childhood it required an extra year of schooling at the community college…so after about a year, I switched to Elementary Education and got my Associates Degree after three years at the college. I then went to a state university and double majored in Elementary Education and Sociology. I realized that I could graduate much earlier if I dropped the education all together and went on solely for Sociology. So, I did. I graduated with my Bachelors in Sociology. Woo! Afterwards, I realized I couldn’t really do anything with that degree besides work at a bank like I had done for about 6 months until realizing this. sucks. So, I went back to the community college and pursued that final year in Early Childhood Education, which is what I originally wanted to do, getting myself much experience student teaching in preschools. I graduated with my Associates in Early Childhood with my license to be a lead preschool teacher. YAY! (That is three degrees to my name, guys)
So then it began, my journey to find my “dream job” as a teacher. I applied to countless amounts of schools, went on MANY job interviews, was given MANY job offers and finally accepted one. Only to find out that it wasn’t what I always dreamed of, I didn’t like being “the new girl” “the b****”, “the one that gets the sucky end of the stick”. I felt like I was being thrown in and out of classrooms and just an “aide” even though I was a “teacher”. So, once again I realized this. sucks. And what did I do? I quit. Legit. I quit after what, a week?! I wiped my hands clean and never looked back at that job. Literally, until typing this. Then, I switched paths and went on a journey to be a nanny. I figured, preschools aren’t gonna get any better than what I just experienced so let’s go on a different track. I met with a couple different families, and found one that I liked. But, it wasn’t a “permanent” position or a set schedule type of job. She was a sub and would let me know days she needed me. This got old pretty fast, but it was fun while it lasted. (A month, two months?) luckily I didn’t think it sucked, but I went back to applying for teaching jobs, and finally nailed one at a preschool not too far from home. It was great, until it wasn’t so great. I was the afternoon helper, I went in so the teachers could take their breaks and go home for the day while I closed up shop. Not too long after did I realize once again this. sucks. And that lasted hmmm maybe 8 months. Then I got a job as a program coordinator at the Boys & Girls Club. WTF. This was just a scream fest, an all time headache. An everyday thought of THIS. SUCKS. I even got a concussion from a boy throwing a basketball at my head. After that incident, I was done. So, let’s say that lasted about 6 months. After that, I was on the hunt again…applying for teaching positions, going on interviews and getting many job offers. Well, I took a position at a preschool thinking this is it! This is my dream job! I will no longer be tossed around like I am not important! I will be a TEACHER! Until it wasn’t like that at all. And until I was being tossed around like a nobody. Not too long after (umm 4 days maybe?!) did I realize once again this. sucks. Soon after, like two days later, another school offered me the same position as I had gotten prior to taking that other position. Of course, I thought “this is it!” This was what I was hoping for! And the money wasn’t too bad either. However, the drive was longer than I hoped, and whomp whomp….I was once again being tossed around from classroom to classroom to cover breaks and what not. So, as you can imagine my thought…this. sucks.
Seriously? Yes, seriously. Until one night, around 8pm, after two days of starting that not so great preschool position, a principal from a nearby private school calls me asking if I still was in the market for a job? What!? I explained I just got a job, but am always looking for something better. She scheduled me an interview and I was excited. I had NO IDEA what to expect. Let’s back up a minute so you can understand something…I never applied to this school. My resume just happened to be given to them from a different private school that I had applied to WAY BACK when I finished my first associates degree. Is this fate, or what? I got the position of a Kindergarten Teacher and I quit that other job and thought “This is it!!!!!!” I mean, I honestly believed God had put this in my path. It was the same school playground my Uncle’s played at when they were growing up, the same school/church my Grandparent’s got married at. It was a sign. It was meant to be. It was just what I wanted! My own classroom! My own students! I had the time of my life! Until, the school was going through many many changes, and I felt like I was going to encounter too much and didn’t know what was in the cards for me. So, I put in that I wouldn’t be returning the next year. And, just at the right timing, my Mama bought a Cosmetics Business and wanted me to work with her. How perfect! Right? Working with your Mama every day, getting to play with makeup! Yes! But, I’ve felt a little lost. Like I had nothing to accomplish, if you get what I mean. So, I thought hard about what I can do while still working at the store and still feel like I am accomplishing something, which lead me to start the NASM Certified Personal Training course. Everyday at work I studied, read, made notecards, and took quizzes. I was determined that I would accomplish this certification! But then I started questioning why I was doing it? What I was going to do with it? What are my goals with it? And I had no idea. But I kept on studying, until I took the test and failed by a couple points. Man was I devastated. And once again I thought, what are you going to do with it anyways if you ever do pass the test? I was defeated. I was feeling like a failure. My parents and my husband encouraged me to purchase a retest and not give up. So I did. (I have until January to take the exam again) In my past time, I still study. But is it my number one thing? No. When something is hard and I fail at it once, it kind of gets to me. So, this past summer I searched for teaching jobs, preferably in private schools, but nothing really jumped out at me. Until I sent in my resume to be a substitute teacher in my town’s public school district… (and also to private schools, but we won’t talk about how they didn’t even respond to me.)
Which leads time to now: subbing a couple days a week while still working at the store with my Mama. And to be honest, I am feeling like once again this. MAJORLY. sucks. (Subbing) I don’t want to feel disrespected, I don’t want to feel like I don’t belong, and somehow ONCE AGAIN I am someone to cover breaks, cover vacations, etc. But Kayla, that is what a substitute teacher does. Well no kidding….but I ask myself WHY would I do that? I thought it was good to get my foot in the door again. But, to be honest this substitute job reminds me all too well of my days at the Boys & Girls Club. And didn’t you read what I said about it….an all time headache, a constant scream fest.
So, here I am with THREE degrees, and you know what? I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. And to be 100% honest with you, a princess sounds pretty good right about now. Haha.
What is a girl to do? What do I do when I feel like everything I try to do sucks? Everything I do is just another failure on the list of jobs I’ve done. Granted, every single job was an experience whether it be a good or bad one. So I guess it isn’t all failing, right? I just feel like I am lost. I don’t know what to do, and it’s like I need a sign…well no not a sign, I need God to lead me in the right direction and give me guidance on what this girl is to do, where I am supposed to go. I trust Him completely, and I know he has plans for me. I just need some of those plans to work out once in a while…
Do you ever feel lost or like you just can’t seem to find the right career for you? Do you keep dreaming of what you want to be when you “grow up”?