Anxiety

My “irrational” fear

Hey hey!! Happy FriYAY!!!! The weekend is here, folks! I am looking forward to it! I have to get things ready to pack for Disney since we leave on Monday! Which, if you’ve been reading my blog now, you’ll know I usually wait until the very last second to pack, and feel very overwhelmed by it. Anyways, I had a Friday Favorites post all ready to go for today, but I’m changing it up because well hey, it’s my blog, and I need to let this out. 😉

I have this phobia called Emetophobia. What is that, you ask? Wikipedia describes it as: “Emetophobia is a phobia that causes overwhelming, intense anxiety. pertaining to vomiting. This specific phobia can also include subcategories of what causes the anxiety, including a fear of vomiting in public, a fear of seeing vomit, a fear of watching the action of vomiting or fear of being nauseated. … The thought of someone possibly vomiting can cause the phobic person to engage in extreme behaviors to escape the perceived (and sometimes very real) threat of that particular situation, in which the phobic person will go to great lengths to avoid even potential situations that could even be perceived as “threatening”.

My version of emetophobia: “it’s a phobia of throw up, one that causes one to be deathly afraid of throwing up, hearing stories of people throwing up, or someone doing it around you/near you” So like in movies or tv shows when people throw up, I get this overwhelming panic feeling, cover my eyes, and ears. It even means that when someone coughs too much, it drums up some panic inside, causing me to believe they are about to throw up. I can’t help it. I can’t stop it. You may say it is irrational, silly, or non existent. But that is so not true.

I never knew this was actually a real “thing” until a little while ago. I always thought I was just weird. People usually laugh it off when I explain it and tell me “yeah I hate it too” but they don’t really understand the severity of this phobia I have. I don’t really think Michael actually understood (and maybe he still doesn’t completely) this until he actually started witnessing my panic. I haven’t met anyone that shared this similar phobia with me, until about like 3 years ago when I started working at a certain preschool and one of the employees of the school, who happened to be one of my student’s mom’s, whom I am actually still friends with to this day, shared her fear of throw up with me. I know, I know, working in child care when you have this phobia isn’t really ideal…but I made it known right when I began working at every school that this is a thing with me. And once I joined the amazing Disbride community that I talk about often on here and love so much,  I connected with others that have this same phobia.

I’m sure you’re wondering why I am talking about this? Well, it just so happens that I put out that post on Wednesday about my fears and anxiety, and how I want to get a hold of them this year, but what I forgot to mention was that this HUGE phobia of mine causes me panic a lot. For instance, when we were in the airport coming home from Disney (I don’t remember which trip it was) and as I am peeing in the ladies bathroom, someone goes in the stall next to me and throws up. I don’t even know if I flushed the toilet, I ran out of there so fast….mid-pee, people. Or how about the time I was with my sister and my sweet nephew Gio in the car, we got him McDonalds and he started throwing up in the back seat of my car. I was a wreck. I get all panicked at the thought of anyone throwing up around me. Luckily, Michael knows of this and has the ability to rub and tickle my arm until I am back to somewhat sanity, but something happened last night that was totally out of a bad nightmare. Now, I will not get into the specifics but as I was leaving my sister’s house…BOOM throw up. I was in the corner, covering my ears and eyes, crying, shaking. Legit. Like a wet dog, I was shaking uncontrollably. I felt like the whole house was caving in on me and I had no way out because the only way out of their house (because of the snow) is the basement door, and the situation was in the middle of my path to that door. SO, as panicked as I was I ninja’d my way out of there, out the front door into a mountain of snow (waste deep snow, I must add), got in my car and could not control the panic I was feeling. Both of my hands went numb, I couldn’t stop shaking for at least 20 minutes, and I couldn’t calm myself down. Pathetic, right? Anxiety, fears, and panic attacks will do this to you. You cannot stop them, but you can find ways to cope with them and calm yourself down. Unfortunately for me, the way I usually calm down is when Michael rubs my arm or is with me, but he was working. I went to my parent’s house to try to get back to normalcy, but it took a while. Once I got home I laid in bed, curled in my blankets, and didn’t want to move. I couldn’t fall asleep, and once I fell asleep I kept waking up. (Which makes one very tired Kayla today.)

This of course has something to do with my fear of being pregnant/having my own children that I had mentioned in this post. What if I feel sick when I am pregnant? What if my child gets sick and no one else is around to help? What if, what if, what if… When I was a teacher there were always others around that could save the day if a child were to get sick (which hardly ever happened for me, thank God), but people always say to me “don’t have kids” when they see how I react to things like this. (How rude,seriously.)

It’s not something that I actually want to have. I don’t want to be a weirdo with this fear.

You may make fun of this irrational phobia I have, you may not understand it, you may not think it is “real”…but it is a constant panic, a constant fear, and it is very real. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. I wish I didn’t have it, but I do, and as much as I try to hide it, I can’t.

Well how’s that for a Friday talk? Too deep? Whoops. I am hesitating to press ‘publish’…because once I hit it, it’s out there for anyone and everyone to read. So, if you made it through this whole post, I am applauding you. I appreciate you for reading my blog and following along in this life of mine, and because this is a blog about my life…I want to be able to share it all (well, most of it all) with you.

Now, I am ready to let it go, give it to God and not think about it after writing about it for the rest of the weekend. I am super ecstatic about Disney, and I am ready to be in full on Disney Mode!! 😉

Have a fabulous Friday, and a great weekend!! XOXO ♥♥

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2 thoughts on “My “irrational” fear

  1. So interesting. I’d never heard of it before, and I’m glad I know about it now. Thanks for being brave and vulnerable and sharing this with us. I love that you acknowledge it and give your fears to God. <3

    P.S. Yay Disney!

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