Thinking Out Loud #41: Vulnerability ahead…

Good morning! Happy Thursday! Thank you for stopping by my blog today, I appreciate you! I hope your week is going well! Tomorrow is Friday!!! I think we can make it another day, what do you think?!

In normal Thursday fashion, I am linking up with Amanda to join in on her Thinking Out Loud party! But heres a little warning beforehand: this is a post that has NO pictures, just some words. Some words from deep inside me, that are in fact really real. I don’t know why, but I’ve been very hesitant to type this up and press publish; there’s something about putting ALL of my thoughts and vulnerability out there that scares me. So please be kind, and if you don’t feel like reading this,  you can go ahead and look at some of my other posts 😉

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I have a confession that I am going to let you in on, whether you want to know or not. 

About 2 weeks ago I was booked to go on a trip to Disney…alone. I was going through some hard times and figured I could be adventurous and courageous and I can go to Disney all by myself! (Picture me, in my super girl stance with my hands on my hips, a cape on my back and all.) I booked it. I booked my room (for 1 lonely soul), and my plane tickets (I made sure to get the extra leg room too). I packed all my bags, got all my ears ready for Mickey, got all my snacks ready, and then when came the day to go…. I couldn’t do it.

The thing is, I had been feeling a little ‘less than’ and a little bit ‘stuck’. My husband had been going somewhere, and in my head I thought, “well if he doesn’t care, than I don’t either. I can do whatever I want to do, as can he.(Which doesn’t really sound like marriage to me, but whatever floats your boat. I just know that is not what I want for my marriage.) Anyways, in my mind I had this awesome picture of me skipping down Main Street, going to the Grand Cafe, and eating Dole Whips through Disney World…..alone. (?!?)

I’m sure a bunch of you are rolling your eyes at me and whispering that I am lame, and probably thinking that taking a solo trip is the greatest thing in the world. Which, I get it, taking a solo trip is totally something I want to do in my life….but not in a time when I felt like my world is crumbling, if you get what I mean. Listen, I go to Disney with my husband. I have so many amazing memories of times I have shared with him (including our wedding, duhhh) and so many times I have shared with my family. The thought of being there because I didn’t want to be home (alone, miserable) sounded so good to me.

But then I realized something; I was running away from my problems. I was running away and proving what, exactly?! That I was a grown up that could fly 3 hours down to Florida and be a-okay on my own for a weekend? But really, does a ‘grown up’ run away from their problems? Does a ‘grown up’ get on an airplane ALONE when she has terrible anxiety about flying when even with other people, knowing that a panic attack could arise at any second and then if realizing I was alone would probably only magnify it? Ummm, I think not. So, even though I was feeling all tough and mighty and have talked myself into going away for the weekend (which would have made me super proud of myself, I know this)…not going was the right choice, and I don’t regret it. My Mom actually was the one who made me realize all of this, with just her simple words of “Why are you running away, alone, when your family, the people that love you the most, is here for you?” 

In reality, I was too broken to get on that plane and go to my happy place and be by myself. I was running away from being alone, but was only going to feel even more alone if I had gone. How in the world did I expect myself to be brave in that moment, when in that very moment I felt weak? I had nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. Because if you know me at all, you know that whenever Michael is working and I am alone (which is more often than not) you can find me at my parent’s house or at my sister’s. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to be alone, but if I get a chance to not be, I choose against it.

In that weekend, that weekend that I was supposed to be having the time of my life alone in Disney World, I was home, alone. And that weekend made me feel more alone than I have ever felt. (However, I did have my amazing family to help me through this also.) I was forced to make a decision that would either make me, or break me. I had a decision to make; either choose to sulk in my misery alone, or sulk in my misery with the help of the Lord. And you know what I did? (If you know me, you already know this answer.) I chose to lean on Him in those times that I felt like I had a million bricks on my shoulder and couldn’t breathe. I chose to cry (and scream, and cry some more) out to Him in those times when I felt like no one could hear me. I chose to find my strength and my worth in Jesus. And in the end, He made me stronger. You bet I felt super weak and pretty pathetic, feeling like the ache was never ending, and I spent hours upon hours laying in bed, not wanting to get up, crying my eyes out, with no noise what so ever but only my own thoughts all weekend. But in those moments, I had to choose to pray. I had to choose to trust in Him that everything would turn out to be okay.

And you know what? It is okay. I am okay. I am stronger. My relationship with God is stronger. My relationship with my husband is stronger. And I know that I am not really alone; The Lord is with me always!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

 

4 thoughts on “Thinking Out Loud #41: Vulnerability ahead…

  1. Kayla,
    Thank you so much for being so honest and open. I cannot imagine how hard it is to have your husband working so much BUT that’s the downside of life. Life is tough. For example my mom lives in Minnesota (because her job is in MN) and my dad lives in Illinois (because that’s where his job is and our family house is) and after 34 years of marriage it’s tough. BUT they know that it’s okay to be separate and to continue to live and enjoy life without each other ALL of the time. Yes, they see each other every month – my dad travels to Minnesota at a minimum 1x/month for work. They have actually found that their marriage is stronger because of the space and the fact that they know that they HAVE to put in EXTRA work to prioritize their relationship.
    I personally struggle with my mom being so far away, as you may know, but I’ve found that because of the distance when we’re together that time is so much more special and we value each other so much more.
    I hope you get from this book that I just wrote is that it’s okay to be alone and that it’s a really good thing to be alone from time to time. Your brain/body needs that time and I’m sure your husband needs his independence sometimes too. Just my two cents.

    1. Thank you so much girl! I totally get that I need to be alone, and I am okay with it. I just feel like I get a little bit too much of it from time to time. We were definitely going through some hard stuff in our marriage, and him being away (which wasn’t for work, but for play) was really hard because I guess some things just slapped me in the face. Having him work a lot is hard too, but I have learned how to deal with it. When his schedule changed that was a hard switch, but I got used to it now, and we make that work. I think that weekend was a wake up call and made him (and I) realize that if we want to be in this marriage, we BOTH need to prioritize each other, not just all one sided. We are going to make dates more of a priority, and all that stuff. It would be really really hard for me to be away from my Mom, so I can only imagine what that must feel like for you. But I do agree that being away from each other does make the time you are together that much better! Xoxo

  2. Kayla, thank you so much for sharing this. I admire your vulnerability and desire to depend on God. It takes a lot to realize the hard truths about ourselves. Lots of love to you!

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