Hey all! Happy Thursday! We are one day closer to the weekend, so that’s some good news!
My poor husband is sick and had such a hard time sleeping last night, so I didn’t really sleep well either, and I’m afraid to say that I may be getting sick too, or just tired. Nooooo! Get away, get away! No sickness here! I have been obsessively spraying Lysol all over everything this morning, hoping that gets rid of the sick/cold germs. Lol. Anyways, I started today off with a 50 minute run and then 10 minutes of a mix of planks, push ups, squats, lunges, burpees, and more planks. It was a sweaty one 😉
As you all know, I try to keep things here absolutely and positively happy, because I am truly a happy person and filled with excitement and enthusiasm for everything in life, but sometimes, a girl just needs an outlet, and lucky for me I have this little thing called my blog! Today’s post is a more honest one, and even though I am (always) nervous to publish these kinds of posts, I hope it will speak to some of you! However, if you are here for some of my Disney posts, please check back next time for regularly scheduled Disney fun, because this girl is LONG overdue for some vulnerability. Please be warned…this is going to be long, and I will probably jump all over the place, so bare with me. 😉
I did something yesterday. I put on my Jesus music and worshiped the Lord all morning from the second I woke up until the second I stepped out of the car to go into work, again when I got home on my lunch break, and then again when I got home from work. My Mama and I even got so sick of the same radio station we listen to at work day in and day out that we shut it off, and put our worship music on. Now, I normally listen to my Jesus music every morning before work to get my day started, but something was different about yesterday. To tell you the truth, I woke up in the morning (yesterday) already like “ugh, I just can’t today”. But from the second after I had that thought, my mind was racing with lyrics to a song that I didn’t even hear the day before or anything, just a song that was in my heart I guess, and that alone clouded over the “ugh, I just can’t” feeling. You know what? I was adamant to change this week around; everyday (yes, I realize it is only Thursday) something happened that would force me to think “ugh, today is the worst day ever” and those moments just kept on happening…it was like I just couldn’t get away from it. I woke up on Monday morning feeling like I was too small for this world, like there was something weighing heavy on my shoulders and on my heart that I just couldn’t pin as to what it was exactly. I was picking myself apart, questioning everything that I am doing, everything that I have done, and so on. I have these moments where I feel like I am not “good enough”. Not “good enough” for others, not “good enough” for myself. And then I take a step forward to feeling a little better about myself, but then feel like I get pushed back 10 more steps.
“Enough”. I hate that word. “Is that enough?” “Did I do good enough?” “Am I enough?” “Did I apologize enough?” “Did I put enough makeup on?” “Is my hair good enough?” “Do I look good enough?” “Did I do enough?” Ahhhh!! Have you ever really thought about how many times you use the word enough in a sentence in reference to yourself?
It’s funny because I have been typing this post up, piece by piece since I woke up on Monday morning feeling anxious, and on Tuesday my Mama brought up how she saw a commercial for a movie coming out where this girl’s future mother in law whispers in her ear that she will “never be good enough”. Gasp!! Could you imagine if someone really said that to you? I would probably just cry. But my point is, even if it is someone else saying that to you, or YOURSELF whispering that to yourself, what is the difference? It is still all bad. Because I promise you, you already ARE enough. These thoughts of not being enough are from Satan himself. Because the Lord’s word says the exact opposite. You are desired and chased after by the most High God. You are made worthy through the blood of Jesus. And I need this reminder daily myself.
The thing is, I really try to make everyone that I love around me happy and make sure that everyone around me is happy with me and not ‘mad at me’….because news flash: this girl really truly despises when someone is (gasp) mad at her, or (gasp) hurt by her. Can you believe it? I mean, I really hate it. If I think I hurt you or upset you in anyway, you will probably hear me apologize to you at least 30 times after the apparent thing happened….and you bet I mean every apology I say, because deep down I probably just want to sob cry into your arms and wish really hard that we could turn back time, or that I could fix whatever just happened. I really shouldn’t care all that much, but I do.
There is also another thing this girl really truly does not like: my insecurities, my weird “abnormal” behaviors. Oh you know, the things that make me a weirdo; I go to bed super early, I drink my coffee’s with a straw, that said coffee needs to be scorching hot..like burning your throat hot, I pretty much only eat fruits and veggies, I live in yoga pants and leggings, I have a litttttle bit of OCD, I have anxiety that I can’t really explain why or when it is going to come on, I don’t like the feeling I get in my stomach on an airplane (which I must say, I am getting SO MUCH BETTER!!!) but I constantly want to go on vacation and go on airplanes, I overanalyze things, I am SUPER hard on myself, I must workout everyday or I become a grouch, I don’t really like it when someone else drives my car…because it is mine, I don’t really like it when someone tells me what to do, I would probably do anything to go back to “pretend” play (you know, playing “ice castles” with your brother outside in a snow storm, and playing “hair dresser” in the pool with him too with ‘pretend’ shampoo and ‘pretend’ conditioner…lol…Hi Lukie!) and the innocence of childhood, I have a huge obsession with Christmas (because Christmas is the best, and you can’t tell me otherwise), and a huge obsession with Disney (obviously). There are probably one million other things that could make me different and totally crazy, but hey, I am a work in progress, and I already know these things, and this is me! Case in point: if you just so happen to point any of those things out, criticize me, or if I feel like any of these weird things annoy you in anyway, I will apologize for it, and have my heart crushed in the meantime, because more likely than not I already know that this is “not normal” and I already am picking myself apart for it…I don’t need others doing it too. But, as the Lord God’s word says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made! So those things do not define you.
You know what this all comes down to? When things happen and I feel too small for the world, my anxiety rises and it feels like all of my struggles and worries are larger than me and it feels like I might fail, but then I remember the Lord is ALWAYS with me, and He is ALWAYS larger than any of my worries or any of my problems, any of my insecurities. I am replacing my WORRY with God’s peace.
1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxieties on the Lord, because He cares for you.”
When I give that worry to the Lord and I change my attitude and my perspective on EVERYTHING (good, bad, big, little); I am happy, I am dancing, I am singing…all for Jesus.
Now, hear me out, I listen to my music and worship and praise Him everyday. Not just sometimes. More often than not I am listening to my worship music than my beloved gangsta music (yes, I go from Jesus music to gangsta music, I am not perfect). But something was different yesterday when I truly gave everything that was “ruining” my week up to Jesus. Literally, all of it. It was no longer mine. The drama that happened yesterday? Nope, not my worry. The crying that happened on Tuesday night? Nope, not my worry. That anxious feeling from Monday? Nope, not my worry. It is not my burden to carry. And so I gave it over to Him and he filled my spirit with JOY instead of sadness and anxiousness.
You might think I am crazy, (I’m sure lots of you do), but I challenge you to give ALL of your struggles, worries, stressors, anything and everything that feels too big for you, to the Lord. If you are like me, put on some of your Jesus music, get out the lyrics if you don’t know the song, sing your heart out and just dance. Don’t even think, give your worries, problems, stress, anything that has your heart troubled to the Lord. Lock your bedroom door if you have to. But I promise you, once you do this, your thoughts will shift, Jesus will speak to you, and you will be FREE!!!